But then I went kitesurfing

I don't know what's wrong with me. Mentally that is. All I know there is something wrong and I can't put my finger on it.  I have read up on Manic Depression, Seasonal Affective Syndrome (SAD),  ADHD and this morning I actually started reading up on how to get motivated and inspired again.  I have to admit, this was the first time in my life that I tackled the topic of getting motivated, but something is hitting me hard and I don't know why or what.  The depression issue I have studied for a while now and I have diagnosed myself many times from the Internet as manic depressed, or bipolar as some sites call it. My GP however told me to snap out of it and fair enough, I never really convincingly passed the tick box tests from the "Causes for Depression" and "Symptoms of Depression" lists. The ADHD  has also not been confirmed by a medical practitioner, but I cannot sit still for a long time. I need new adventures and this has been a pain in the ass for me since I was a young kid. My suffering from SAD is the real deal, so maybe the wind is causing me to feel this way. What intrigues me a lot about my condition(s), whatever it may be, is how swiftly it can change from the one feeling or mood to the other.  I can be as happy as a lark now and ten minutes later as depressed as...well.. as depressed as anyone can be. In a fleeting moment things can light up for me or vanish completely and I don't know why.

The last couple of days I have to admit I was not in the best state of mind. A road trip with my kids ended up in nothing but frustration because of flu and bad weather. My surf deprivation has been worsened by a lack of waves the past two weeks and there is no favourable forecast for the immediate future. My pool is green and cannot be maintained because of the worst drought Cape Town has seen in the last 100 years. My car and bike need servicing and repairs which I cannot afford and the list goes on.  Immediately one would think wow, you have all those material things and you feel depressed?  That's exactly it.  When I sit down and write a list of the things to be thankful for they outnumber the bad things by 30 to 1, and that is conservatively estimated.  I don't want to go into details about my lists but this morning I was talking to my sister about my current state of mind and what I might thought the reasons would be. Then I started writing a post about myself to see if that would not help me feel better. I finished the second paragraph and then it happened.  Something told me to get up and go kitesurf. I just couldn't get the words I needed to describe my predicament, but something else told me to go.

I don't think my love for kitesurfing is nearly as intense as my love for surfing, but I have the gear and I have had some good sessions in the past. My gear is a bit old, but I will lie if I say it is reaching  its expiry date.  I really looked after it well over the years and never saw the need for replacing it just yet. The schlep of kitesurfing is something that puts me off big time, rigging up, choosing the right kite for the conditions, the sand in my teeth and a few other things that makes surfing a bit less of a mission than kitesurfing.  Why something told me to kitesurf today I don't know because moments earlier I was not even motivated to finish my blog post, let alone pump a kite and schew on sand.

I got to the beach, kitted up, checked my lines. I asked a guy to assist me with the launch. I had reason to be peeved off when he allowed my kite to slip from his hands and nearly got me dragged along the beach. I actually handled it well, considering my recent state of mind. I managed the situation like a pro, at least I have been kiting for a few years already and had everything under control.  When I got in the water the moment the wind took my kite and pulled me up I had this funny feeling come over me.  Serenity. Everything changed.  My depression, my lack of motivation, my doomsday mood, everything turned around.  Suddenly the future looked bright again.  The wind did not bother me anymore and I forgot about everything that had pulled me down over the last couple of days.  In reality nothing has changed in my life between the time I got up from my desk and the time I entered the water.  It is still dry outside, my cars and bike still need a service that I cannot afford, the wind is still blowing, my pool is still green, but something is different. I felt great, motivated, inspired and stoked. But this brings me to my million dollar question.  What happened inside me?

If I can change mood as quickly as that, what is causing that? It has to be something in my brain. I am sure some people would say it is the release of endorphin that makes one feel happy, although the Internet says it is released by pain or stress stimuli. Non-applicable in my case, I was depressed not in pain. Could it be the release of adrenaline maybe? According to Internet also very unlikely. Then there is still dopamine, serotonin, oxycontin, estrogen and progesterone. These are all called "happy hormones". Were they released into my brain at some point and if so, when? When I decided to go kitesurf or when I entered the water? Were they responsible for changing my mood in an instant?

It's been 3 hours since my kitesurfing session ended.  I still feel good, motivated, inspired. Hell, I am even going to finish this post and add a nice picture or two. But I am worried.  Is this going to wear off?  Will I feel miserable again soon?  Will something trigger "unhappy hormones"? Is there actually a thing called "unhappy hormones" or are we in a constant state op relative happiness that sometimes wear off and sometimes gets injected with real happy hormones?  If I had known 30 years ago that I will have these questions today, I probably would have chosen a different career path. I don't know if one can buy the "happy hormones" over a counter. I am sure there would be some concoction on the market. I also don't really want to live my life relying on pills.  I guess that is what some people take for depression. I don't know whether I should venture in that direction and whether it would work for me. All I know now is that I felt like shit earlier but then I went kitesurfing...!